This is it, Viperettes and Viperoos. This is when the blog hits the big time.
After a sustained campaign of pleading and borderline threats, Openshaws Snacks finally agreed to send me a sample of their products.
It may surprise you to learn that, despite my athletic physique, I’m a fan of pork scratchings. Through an intense regimen of physical exercise, I maintain my figure while enjoying hedonistic tastes in food and drink.
Imagine my joy when this box dropped through my door.
That’s my name right there. Viperish D Hero. I’m a real blogger now. Look out ‘Zoella’, here comes the competition.
Now, I’ve decided to combine my review of the snacks with something of an introduction to the man I refer to as Sugar Daddy. He won’t let me use his real name, so he will have to remain as Sugar Daddy. He will be helping me to find the words to describe the delights of salted pig products.
Feast your eyes. There’s too much there for one man. This needs me AND Sugar Daddy working in tandem. It also needs something to keep us hydrated.
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
I may or may not produce some video to go with this. Excited? You ought to be.
Now, in my defence, we are both a little drunk. It’s Friday, there’s no reason we shouldn’t be. I don’t want to suggest that drinking beer, eating scratchings and smoking pipes is going to make you healthy, but both myself and SD are powerful physical specimens. I have the body of an Adonis and SD is a sturdy slab of Yorkshire muscle: think of him as the Northern Powerhouse.
Please be aware that I am writing this ‘live’. We are about to snack!
BOOM! We’ve just torn through the Pub Original Scratchings. What can I tell you? A massive crunch and a glorious ‘mouth feel’. Just the right amount of salt and a hint of paprika. A real scratching will sometimes have a tiny hair here or there. You don’t like that? You’re not ready for scratchings, baby. These are the real deal.
Next, the Pork Crunch. They’re high in protein. I need that protein to support my muscular development.
These are lighter than a traditional scratching, they seem fluffy and crunchy, rather than dense. A strong crunch and stout flavour of spicy pork. These would be a good way to get scratching sceptics on board as they’re somewhere between a maize-based snack and scratching.
Now for the Black Pudding flavour. These are for experts only. They have spice, something of tomato and a real hit of Black Pudding. I don’t think they’ll appeal to vegetarians.
Finally, it’s time to get ourselves outside the Cumberland Sausage flavour. These are the winner for SD. It’s a traditional scratching but with the added herby goodness of a sausage. He’s going to finish the lot.
We now have a big plate full of porky goodness that we intend to finish over the rest of the night. Don’t you wish your Fridays were hot like mine?
We’ve filmed some video, but I want to rewatch it in the cold, unforgiving light of day before I post it to the youtubes. We are both just a trifle merry right now and I don’t want to put up a video we might regret… you all know what that’s like…
With the greatest affection,
Viperish D Hero and Sugar Daddy.
UPDATE! VIDEO NOW AVAILABLE!