You know what the internet loves? No, not porn, grow up. The internet loves listicles! Pure clickbait. I had to research what listicles actually are. Apparently, listicles are a mixture of lists and testicles. It’s a list of complete bollocks!
So, here’s my listicle of eight ways to be awesome and mentally ill in the New Year! YAY!
How to be Awesome AND Mentally Ill in 2017
1. Consider getting help
I should probably talk to my GP again at some point. I don’t want to go on pills, but I should at least discuss the fact that I’m still suffering. If I suddenly need proper help again, I don’t want my GP to say, “You’ve been like this for HOW LONG?!”
2. Be less of a shit
I tell myself I’m a horrible person. Then I act like a horrible person. This makes me a horrible person and the cycle goes on. I’m going to stop telling myself I’m horrible, then I’m going to stop doing horrible things. Then I can start feeling better about myself.
3. Celebrate the good things
I’m no longer at rock bottom. I have a family and enough money to get by. I am capable of enjoying things sometimes. I am capable of seeing beauty in the world. I should be pleased about that.
4. Solve global warming
I’m planning on creating a safe form of fusion that will end our reliance on fossil fuels and dangerous nuclear reactors.
5. Broker a lasting world peace
In the aftermath of my safe-fusion, the economy will be rocked and the global power balance will be disturbed. I will use my blog to ensure that there is a peaceful transition to the new order that I will rule.
6. Rule with equal justice and mercy
My reign will be a time of unprecedented calm, prosperity and creativity. I intend to be revered, rather than feared. I shall discourage people from deifying me, but I understand that it is inevitable.
7. Be honest about my limitations
I mustn’t expect too much of myself. I will continue to be honest about the ways that my condition impacts on my life. This will inspire everyone on the planet. Perhaps it will bring an end to all suffering.
8. Foster healthy habits
I’m going to eat sensibly, avoid alcohol and do moderate exercise. I will begin the process of cellular regeneration that will, ultimately, allow me to live eternally in a state of Zen bliss.
If you’re looking for resolutions, you might want to use some of mine! Don’t try to use them all, though, there can only be one ruler in the new world order, and that’s me.
Happy New Year!