Good evening, viperettes and viperoos. Are you feeling Christmassy? I’m feeling Christmassy and, frankly, your feelings are irrelevant to this blog. This is about me, not you. Just like EVERYTHING.
Christmas is a paradoxical time for the Viper. Christmas is a season of friends, family and goodwill to all. The trouble is, I’m not big on friends. I have two friends and neither of them are that mad about Christmas. I am fortunate to have a family that enjoy Christmas and, occasionally, I will even tolerate my extended family. We’ve just had the Viperish Yule Sacrifice, but more of that in another post. As for “goodwill to all”… well… have you met “all”? Dreadful people. Half of them voted for Brexit, the shits. The more I see of “all”, the less that I like them. I went on a steam train today. It was spoilt by the presence of “all”. Look at them with their clothes and their faces! Listen to their horrible voices and awful opinions! Why must they stumble about, gracelessly crashing into one another like cows trying to line dance?! Obviously you, my readers, aren’t like that. You’re charming, witty and considerate. Not like “all”, those boorish bastards, clattering around and fucking up the most basic courtesies. When my glorious reign begins, every public place will be as quiet as a library and as decorous as a state funeral.
I love Christmas and I hate it. It’s my fickle mistress, leading me on with its promises of magic, then disappointing me with its tawdry antics.
My home, The Viper’s Hole, is being transformed into its Christmas glories. The loft has been raided, the tree erected and the halls decked. The air fills with the scent of oranges, cinnamon and my Viperish cooking. Money is tighter than ever this year. The days of my financial successes are behind me. Mrs Viper’s wage and mine are helped by our diligent savings during the year and by the generosity of friends and relatives. I’m a pretentious twerp, as you well know, so I have to find a way to live like a Lord on the lolly of a leper.
The most ostentatious luxury that I enjoy is a Christmas Hamper. Even in my days of relative wealth, I couldn’t afford to buy an entire Fortnum and Mason hamper, mind you. I would get the odd bits: stilton, tea, biscuits. Then I would fill up at Chatsworth Farm Shop in Derbyshire. This year, we managed one item from Fortnum, a few from Chatsworth and the majority from Aldi. Have you been to Aldi? I bloody love Aldi. My money goes a lot further at Aldi and they have some high quality products. Don’t be a snob, give Aldi a try!
Are you ready to look at my hamper? Ready or not, here I come! (one of the many things I shout to Mrs Viper when I’m in the mood for romance)
Here’s the haul. Look at that. Drink that in, bitches. This be how the Viper do live. Look at the incidental background details, you big stalker. What’s that movie poster behind the tree? Viper Points to the first person who gets it. Have you spotted the black panther in the shot? Once you see him, you will never be able to look at this picture without seeing him.
Shall we look at the hamper in more detail? Is that what you want? Is it? Say you want it. Say it. Say please. Beg.
Viper’s gon’ give it to ya.
Gonna have Christmas, gotta have biscuits. What have we got here? Fox’s Selection from Aldi. This is a GOOD bunch of crunchables. It’s difficult for me to get near these. I practically have to taser Mrs Viper and the Viperinos. I think half of the selection was gone about thirty seconds after this photo. The luxury biscuits are from Chatsworth. You’ve got your Belgian Chocolate and your Treacle Toffee. Not cheap. Bloody lovely.
A couple of taste-testers. As I write this, I’m drinking the Mulled Wine Infusion. I like it. It’s like a fruity tea, mixed with mulled wine. If you’re feeling too fragile for mulled wine (it can be a bit powerful) I would recommend this. It’s got just the right hint of spice over a fruity base. Another winner from Aldi. Nice. The Duck Crisps were so good that Mrs V and myself ripped through them like a wolverine through a hen house. Aldi win again.
In the foreground, you have a bauble from Fortnum and Mason. It’s stuffed with salted caramel truffles. They didn’t last. Mrs Viper and I fell upon them, like the wolf on the fold. The bauble is good, cos you can hang it on the tree and put cheaper chocs inside and still look dead sophisticated. The other salted caramel chocs are from Chatsworth. We haven’t eaten these yet. The hot chocolate is Charbonnel and Walker. It’s expensive. It’s better than sex (not better than sex with me, obviously. Better than sex with normal people). At the back there is a very pretty biscuit tin from Aldi. It is a MUSICAL tin. You twist the base and it plays a tune AND IT SPINS AROUND. That’s what you need from a biscuit tin. We will bring it out every Christmas. Love it. You don’t love it? You’re a heartless monster, a wolf of winter. BE GONE!
Here’s the booze. There’s a bottle of bitter, knocked down to half price, from Chatsworth Farm Shop. It’s Matlock Wolds Farm and I haven’t drunk it yet. I’ll let you know. Then we have the three from Aldi: a bottle of port, a bottle of Amaretto and a bottle of Ballycastle. The port is cracking. Love it. Drink too much of it. Have it with stilton. Use it as perfume. Go nuts. Mrs V recommends the Amaretto. She says it’s cheaper than anywhere else that she can find it. She drinks it with appalling mixers. She has poor taste in booze, great taste in husband. Now for Ballycastle. I won’t call it knock-off Baileys. I will call it an Irish Cream Liqueur. If you like Baileys, I’d be bloody surprised if you didn’t like Ballycastle. I can’t tell the difference, apart from the price. I stick it in luxury hot chocolate. This is why Mrs Viper stays with me.
Have another look. Go on. Look at it. You know you want it
In my next couple of posts, I’m going to show you some of the decor here at the Viper’s Hole. I’ll also let you into the secrets of the Yule Sacrifice.
You must wait.
Watch “The Box of Delights” on youtube. See the old Punch and Judy man? Basically me.
The wolves are running again!