The lovely Mrs Viper is a woman of few vices. If I had to list her flaws, I’d say: untidiness, failing to finish cups of tea and her love of torturing her victims. Ignore the last one, Mrs Viper is not a serial murderer and this is not a coded cry for help. Everything’s fine. No, her real vice is watching dreadful Christmas films. I’m not talking about the classics. This isn’t an attack on “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “Gremlins”. No, Mrs Viper actually watches movies on the Christmas channel. I won’t disturb you by naming any of these crimes against cinema. I will, however, invent some of my own. Here is my list of potential Christmas movies. If you are a rich Hollywood producer, I’m willing to sell these ideas, but only for serious money.
Cancer for Christmas
A struggling mom is diagnosed with Christmas Cancer at the start of Advent. She is given just twenty-six days to live. She’s gonna have to make this the best Christmas ever for her kids! Her kind and handsome surgeon has always hated Christmas, but he’s going to learn about real Christmas miracles. SPOILER WARNING: the diagnosis was a mistake, but at least it brought them together and made them a happy family. ADDITIONAL SPOILER WARNING: She actually has AIDS.
Santa’s Homeless Hijinks
Due to a terrible bureaucratic error, Santa is allowed to see a newspaper and he learns that there are millions of homeless children in the world. Determined to bring some Christmas joy to them, he begins the construction of a portable chimney that he can climb down onto kerbs, doorways and rubbish dumps all around the world. As he delivers gifts to the emaciated mites, he meets a little orphan with a skin condition and a big heart. Homeless moppet Pip teaches Santa that useless plastic shit isn’t helping at all. SPOLIER WARNING: Santa realizes that not even his supernatural powers of toy distribution can end child poverty. He sinks into depression and is euthanized by the elves.
Miss L. Toe
The Village of Yule can’t afford a tree this year and all the street decorations are falling apart. Not only that, the Vicar and his wife are going through a messy divorce. Could this be the most miserable Yule has ever been? Little Matilda, the Vicar’s daughter, wishes on an antique bauble for a Christmas Miracle. Enter the eccentric old village librarian Miss L. Toe, whose dotty schemes and twinkly wisdom solve all the village’s difficulties in hilarious and heartwarming ways! SPOILER ALERT: This movie is apparently set in Britain, but the accents are strangely Transatlantic, the people dress like it’s the 1950s and it snows from the beginning of December.
The Christmas Slug
Heart warming animated feature for children. Slippy the Slug is cold! He can see the lights of a cottage at the other end of the garden. Can he get to warmth and safety before he freezes solid? Join Slippy on his crazy adventures as he struggles against the falling temperatures and meets magical Christmas friends. SPOILER ALERT: Salt. Expect tears.
Snowhere to Go
Jack Tousledhunk is a successful, if irascible, TV Chef. Jane Lovelysweet is a successful publisher, but work has left her with no time for a family. Due to an administrative error (caused by a Mister Kringle – wink wink!), Jack and Jane end up booked into the same remote cabin for Christmas. Jack is a cigar smoking, Bourbon drinking slob. Jane is a clean living, health loving domestic goddess. When they get snowed in together, sparks really fly! Surely such an odd couple can’t enjoy Christmas together?! SPOILER: She tires of his constant harassment and, driven mad by his abuse, she smothers him in his sleep.
Mr Fartybum and the Weepoo Contraption
For kids. By David Walliams. SPOILER: Scat.
I hope this has been instructive. I might do another post about the things that it is permissible to enjoy watching. Please, please, please, don’t try to enjoy yourself without my advice. You’re likely to make a dreadful error if I let you make your own decisions about what you ‘like’.