Terror and Misery and Tinsel!

Not sure why, but I’m currently having a shocker. Probably too much caffeine. I’m sitting down to write a blog post and enjoy a coffee (d’oh!). I’ll see if it clears.

The root problem is an old one: existential dread in the face of a meaningless and indifferent cosmos. I’m just a sentient collection of chemicals: love me! My only true tragedy is that I’m aware of my own insignificance and lack of autonomy . I’m no more possessed of free will or self-determination than the fleas I keep fucking catching leaping around my home! BASTARDS!

On top of this, let’s see: the ice caps are melting and no fucker cares. Even the people who say they care, they don’t do anything about it. Buying stuff from the fucking Bodyshop doesn’t mean you’re saving the world, not if you’re still driving a car and going on holiday via plane! Filling your recycling bin is not a sign of green credentials, it’s a sign of being a consumer. They don’t even recycle most of it! It just goes abroad and gets chucked in foreign landfills! The world is dying, our race is doomed and everything is futile! BASTARDS!

In politics, we can see that nothing has been learnt from history. Hey Brits, wear your fucking poppy with Pride! Remember the dead heroes! Forget the rise of Fascism! WAVE THE FLAGS AND SING THE SONGS! BASTARDS!

The economy is a big lie and we’re all slowly realizing it. It’s a pyramid scam on a global scale. Follow the money far enough and it leads nowhere! The money is Ouroboros, it’s eating itself! The snake will eventually get bored of chewing its tail, it will uncurl and there will be chaos. Jormungandr will start to devour the world, enjoy Ragnarok, folks! BASTARDS!

I have no power over any of this and I have no chance of changing it in the slightest. I’m like a fly that has been gifted with self-knowledge, just in time to realize that my last meal was hot shit and I’m currently trapped in a web, being approached by a hungry spider. BASTARD METAPHORICAL SPIDER OF DEATH!

Christmas is coming and nothing is ready and the deliveries are fucked up because of Black Friday and that’s not even a thing, stop trying to make FETCH happen! I’ve got parties to go to and friends to see and family to smile at and it’s not permissible to dig a hole and climb into it and cover myself with lovely dry leaves.

As often happens, when I’m freaking out, I get nonsense trapped in my head. Rhyming fucking nonsense!

The ice caps are shrinking,

The fascists are rising,

The fighters for freedom are all terrorising,

The media’s lying,

Our children are crying.

There’s toing and froing, but nowhere to be going

(Willy Wonka, the cunt, says they have to keep rowing)

GREEN HAIRED BASTARDS!

My heart won’t stop pounding,

Old time is a-flying,

The bombs are still falling,

And I’m not the one dying…

But compassion is eating me up from inside…

I can’t stop it happening,

I can’t run and hide,

The music keeps playing,

The hounds all keep baying,

And God, the sod,

Won’t let us get off the ride!

I’d like to find peace,

Does it even exist?

I can’t find it with drugs

Or by getting pissed

(And there’s only so much fun you can have with one wrist).

I used to think peace would be found in the grave,

But people rely on me, I’ll have to behave.

The morning just vanished,

How is it ONE?

How does time do this?

Tell me, how’s the trick DONE?

The time has been flying, where the fuck was my FUN?!

When it’s this bad,

I get tripped up in rhymes,

Is it insanity or a sign of the times?

Am I trying to put a new shine on my crimes?

(that doesn’t mean anything, but it rhymes, so it’s fine)

It’s slowing now, I’m struggling to find a new line,

But the rhyme is sharp and stuck in my head like a tine.

(You know, the spiky bit of a fork).

That’s what just spouted out of my head, unbidden. When I get panicky, I either get tunes caught in my head or I find that I can’t think without it turning into doggerel. I’m not making this up, I genuinely get weird rhymes caught in my head. Here’s one that once went round for a while:

(This is the coldest of all the cold winters, Here come the hounds with their teeth sharp as splinters)

They’re meaningless bits of thought that take on significance through repetition. I think they’re probably a symptom of my brain’s software having some bugs. Maybe they’re representations of the circular thinking that comes with my depression. I don’t know, they’re fucking annoying. BASTARDS!

Good grief, Viper, chill the fuck out, will you? Have a fruit tea, or something, you crazy bollocks. Go with the flow, old man. Accept the grace of God. Follow the Dao. Calm your tits.

Take care BASTARDS!

VDH.

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