Feeling Fragile

Do you ever wake up with a hang over? Try it, it’s delightful.

Last night, I was going to visit a friend (yes, I have a friend!), but he had to cancel. He probably hates me. You all hate me, don’t you?

Mrs Viper suggested that I have a fun evening with her. Madness. We’re a married couple, why would we have ‘fun’? She suggested that I should do what I would have done with the vile traitor who cancelled our plans. I explained to Mrs Viper that all we would do is overeat, drink red wine and make sarcastic comments about movies. This was something that Mrs Viper felt that she could handle.

After bathing our delightful offspring and reading some of “The BFG” to them, I went off to the shops for supplies.

Gourmet burgers. Red onions (keeps Mrs Viper from requesting kissing.. ugh…). Cheese. Bacon. Red wine. Where do I shop? Fortnum and Mason? Vera Dal? Aldi. The choice of the connoisseur.

By the way, apologies to any vegan readers. I’m a disgusting troll.

I ate. I drank. I joined Mrs Viper in a viewing of “The Great British Bake Off”. A very fine evening of conversation and epicurian delights. When I was content, I allowed Mrs Viper to guide me to bed. I fought off her advances and fell into a deep and satisfying sleep.

Then I woke up at five AM with a visitor in my skull, a visitor named HORROR. Headache, eye ache, soul ache. After drinking, I almost always wake early and can’t back to sleep. I eased my decaying, shambling self down the stairs and brewed up a soothing cup of Lapsang. It was dark outside the window and, when I popped out in my dressing gown to take a jar to the recycling, I discovered that autumn had moved in and really made the place its own. The first of October wanted us to know that the month was all about cold, dark mornings and falling leaves. I approved.

The bastard hangover is still here, keeping my bastard personality company. I’ve provided breakfast for my loving and very loud family. I’ve sent them away to have fun. Now I’m sitting alone, writing this inane drivel in the hope that strangers will be mildly entertained. Peace, tea and a keyboard. The world is mine.

Edit: I had a nap. The family returned at one o’clock. To celebrate their return, I cooked a ‘breakfast’. Poached egg, fried egg, beans, waffles, pancakes, toast, bacon, sausages and maple syrup. Served, consumed and now I’ve done the washing up, so I get to sit down with a coffee. ENVY ME.


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