By now, dear reader, you are probably desperate to know everything about me. I’m a fascinating enigma, an irresistible curiosity, the source of your dreams and nightmares. Steady on, reader. Take a breath. Have a little sit down. All in good time. I will reveal myself slowly. This is a metaphorical dance of the seven veils, giving you tantalising glimpses of my captivating character.
Today we shall examine my crushes. Know a person’s desires and you know their soul. That sounds like a quotation, but I made it up just then. Blimey, I should be some sort of guru or messiah (but sexy and a little bit naughty). Please keep in mind that my crushes are not necessarily sexual: they are people I adore, admire and want to be around. Yes, sometimes I may want to keep them imprisoned in my chateau until they learn to love me, but some are just people I would love to have a cup of tea and a bit of a natter with. Let us begin…
Miss Jane Marple
She may be fictional, but she’s my bae. In my head, she will always look like her portrayal by the magnificent Joan Hickson.
If you don’t know about the character… what have you been doing with your life? Miss Marple is the creation of Agatha Christie, one of the finest ‘whodunnit’ writers to have lived. Miss Marple lives in a seemingly sleepy village. She is an elderly lady who takes a keen interest in the life of the village. She is also on the borderline of being a genius. She is described by a police detective as “the finest forensic mind in Britain”. Because she is old and a woman, she is overlooked. People also feel unafraid when they talk to her. Despite her apparently sheltered life, she has developed an uncanny understanding of human nature, using her knowledge of psychology to help her to solve crimes. She claims that “You see so much evil, living in a village.” Personally, I find her utterly fascinating. She is prim, fussy and old fashioned (rather like myself). She has a keen sense of justice and ethics (unlike me). I think my favourite story about Miss Marple is “Nemesis”, where she takes on the role of Nemesis – bringing justice and punishing the guilty. Despite being old, despite lacking physical strength and despite being treated with scorn by many, Miss Marple puts right a terrible wrong. Despite her sense of justice, Miss Marple is never vicious or cruel – she is about as far from Batman as you can imagine, but she is just as useful at fighting crime. She is driven by a passion for justice and a desire to protect the weak. Her empathy is extraordinary.
Another element that I love about Miss Marple is that she gets to be a woman in fiction without her sexuality or romantic history being an issue. I got annoyed with some recent retellings that insisted on giving her a romantic past. The point of Jane Marple is that her intelligence and morality are interesting: we don’t need to know and we shouldn’t care about her orientation or whether she had a tragic romantic history. I would want to sit with Jane Marple for afternoon tea and ask her if she would mind telling me stories of village life. She seems endlessly fascinating. My only fear is that her insight would help her to see through my superficial charm and lead to her refusing my invitation to tea. Sigh.
Lucy Worsley is an historian and has presented BBC TV programmes on historical and cultural topics. She is also Joint Chief Curator at Historic Royal Palaces. She is erudite, witty and charismatic. Her documentaries display a passion for her subject. She is also a red-hot vixen, as the picture below will illustrate.
I mean, I hate to be that misogynistic middle-aged man, but… wow. Lucy Worsley speaks with a slight rhotacism (it means she says her ‘Rs’ oddly, dummy). I find it… entrancing. I thrill if she mentions “Royalty” or “The Renaissance” or “The Reformation”. I find her occasional raised eyebrow to be so suggestive that I require a lie down in a darkened room.
Mercy! Nurse! Bring me my pills! I need to rest!
Another historian and TV presenter. I’ve watched her in “Victorian Farm”, “Edwardian Farm”, “Monastery Farm”. Lady does a lot of historical farming. She recently did “Full Steam Ahead”, a documentary about trains. Steamy stuff, I’ll tell ya that for nothing. Ruth is exceptionally intelligent, enthusiastic in her re-enactments and engaging as a presenter. She is also a hoot. She jokes with anyone that shares the screen with her and has an infectious laugh. I imagine myself hanging out with Ruth Goodman, Lucy Worsley and Jane Marple at the same tea table. I’d be out of my depth intellectually, but I would be happy to sit back and listen. Sorry to once again objectify my crushes but…
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Victoria Coren Mitchell is a writer, presenter and professional poker player. Let that sink in. This lady has trained her intellect AND her ruthless cunning. She used to write for “The Erotic Review”, a publication that I enjoyed very much during its time (for the articles, you understand). She is married to David Mitchell, the comedian and writer. To be honest, I crush on them both. I would be invited to their place for afternoon tea. We would make each other laugh, then make each other think and then make sweet, sweet love for hours. Or maybe Victoria would just tell David and I to wrestle, oiled and shirtless, while she ate grapes and read aloud from “Dolores” by Swinburne. Calm down, dear reader, I won’t continually assault you with such powerful eroticism.
Oh honestly, can you blame me? Look at them. Perfection.
I could go on with this post, but I fear that I am revealing too much. Always leave them wanting more, love.
What can be gleaned so far? What makes Viperish Discordant Hero tick? He likes intelligence and wit. He likes people who display passion. He likes afternoon tea. You should meet my real crush, Mrs Viperish, she has all that in spades.
Caveat: If any of the above-named women attempt to contact me, they should know that Mrs Viperish is best described thusly “Though she be but little, she is fierce.” She is a good fighter with a strong right arm. She is happy to wield a shovel in defence of her property (that’s how she describes me). Much as I would enjoy watching women fight over me, it would be a shame to have any unpleasantness. Let’s leave it as a beautiful dream, ladies. Next time you’re having afternoon tea, imagine what might have been and enjoy a sly smile to yourself.
I grow weary once more, away with you.
Hero (Viperish + Discordant).